Care to Care: “What should I DO with you?”
Watch the corresponding Care to Care episode here.
When someone you care about is going through a difficult time, it is natural to feel pressure to do something - to fix the situation, to make things better, to say the perfect thing, to entertain them with the perfect activity. However, in the context of serious medical conditions and chronic illness, there may not be anything to “fix,” the perfect words probably don’t exist, and it can be difficult to do the activities you used to enjoy doing together. Naturally, our brains often try to problem-solve this unsolvable problem and we set on a mission to fill time and space in some way. The question “what do I DO with my loved one?” comes up often and in many places.
In the wake of my breast cancer diagnosis, I felt immense pressure to make every moment meaningful. The thought in my mind was “If I only have limited time, how can I make the most of it?” While this can be a helpful approach to identifying what matters broadly, in the context of day-to-day life it became crippling for me. I felt an immense pressure to make “meaningful moments” and every decision became an internal battle of “Is this how I want to spend my time?”
For those involved in my care, there were similar pressures. We all feared that our time together might be limited, so how could we make it special? Was watching TV together good enough? Wouldn’t it be “better” to do something special?
What we learned is that, paradoxically, releasing the expectations of “doing” something actually allowed for more quality time spent together. Showing up, without any agenda other than to be in the same space, was one of the most caring acts in my experience. It sent a powerful message that the people there for me did not feel they needed to perform or entertain or solve my problems. Being physically present together was enough to provide the reassurance, love, and support needed during hard times.
Of course, that's not to say doing things wasn't appreciated. I was extremely grateful for the meal train that friends and family set up, when my mom offered to do my laundry for multiple months, and when family and friends assisted with childcare. However, those kinds of actions didn’t have to happen every time for me to feel connected to and grateful for my caregivers. Simply having them be around was incredibly comforting. Knowing that I was not alone was more than enough.
So what is my answer to the “What should I DO with my loved one?” question? Showing up and consistently meeting each other where each person is is often enough. Not every moment has to be a “dear diary” moment– fodder for an epic memory or pregnant with meaning. Even though it might seem silly to talk about the grocery list if you think you are dying… Remeber, you do still have to eat while you’re alive!