Care to Care: How are you?
Watch the corresponding Care to Care episode here.
I never realized how loaded the question “how are you?” could feel until I was diagnosed with breast cancer. While in the past, “hi, how are you?” was just a typical greeting phrase, it suddenly changed to what felt like a very heavy question. I noticed feeling a mix of dread and annoyance come up when asked this question or when I would find myself asking this question of others. What used to be a simple courtesy question suddenly sparked a whole puzzle that needed solving.
For me, this is the challenge: I know that most people who say “how are you?” are just making friendly small talk. So, on the one hand I do not want to be rude when I respond (by looking directly into their eyes and saying “I’m unwell, thanks”). On the other hand, it does not feel genuine to respond with something like “I’m good” or “fine” (fill in the blank with a positive adjective) when I really am not. I’ll be honest, I’ve struggled to find a response to this question that feels true to the qualities of being that matter to me – being kind, thoughtful, responsive – and true to how I am actually doing.
In talking to some of the caregivers in my life, I know this difficulty has come up for them too. My mom mentioned that she feels like, often, people don’t really want to know how she is when they ask “how are you?”. It’s a strange social convention to ask a question expecting anything but an honest response in return…and yet, it is the convention to which most of us subscribe.
There is a lot of cultural and social pressure to appear positive, which means that being honest about difficulties, including burnout, sadness, anger, loneliness, etc., may feel awkward or like oversharing. But putting on a “brave” face all the time also has not felt right to me. Having to decide how much I want to reveal or conceal about the challenges I am facing and how deep into the details I want to go with someone who asks the question “how are you?” can be exhausting.
I’ve been playing around with some different “scripts”-- responses that I have in my back pocket– to respond to the dreaded “how are you?” question. I’ve found that narrowing the scope of time or the context to which I, in my mind, apply the “how are you?” question is helpful. For example, I might respond to someone’s inquiry but saying “I’m good today” or “I’m feeling okay at this moment.” Similarly, I might respond in the context of the situation I am in (e.g., “I am feeling excited about this meeting”). I’ve also been testing out different ways to greet others without using the “how are you?” default question. I’ve toyed with “What are you up to?” and “How’s your day going?”. Although only a subtle difference, I feel like asking what someone is up to or how the day is going puts more of a focus on the actions or behaviors they are engaging in (which is a circumscribed timeframe) and takes the emphasis off the emotions or feelings around how they are doing in general.
As I finished writing this post from a hospital room– I was admitted for neutropenic fever (spiking a fever in the context of dangerously low white blood cell counts)-- this question “how are you?” felt even heavier. The sudden changes in circumstances when facing an acute health crisis or managing a chronic concern make what should be a simple question so complicated.