Care to Care: Grief
Watch the corresponding Care to Care episode here.
Grief is the emotional and psychological reaction to loss. While many of us think of grief in the context of death, grief can actually show up in many different situations. For me, grief showed up in spades with my breast cancer diagnosis. Suddenly, the plans and dreams I had for the future– both in the short term and in the long term– felt like they were thrown into disarray. My sense of security in the future was upended. I felt like I was in a free fall, without an anchor to ground me.
Receiving a breast cancer diagnosis forced my family and I to cancel and change many things that we had planned in the coming months. For example, my husband, son, and I were planning to travel to Iowa for my husband’s grandparent’s 65th wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, the event was scheduled for the weekend before my bilateral mastectomy and I could not risk getting sick before the procedure. The whole family felt a deep sense of disappointment and sadness around missing this milestone.
There has also been grief around changing long-term expectations. At my first breast cancer clinic appointment (where I met with my surgeon, hematology oncologist, radiation oncologist, and physical therapist) I asked about the possibility of doing an egg retrieval to preserve fertility before chemotherapy. The reality of possibly not being able to build the family I had pictured was extremely difficult. Although I was able to complete the egg retrieval, plans for building a future family continue to feel much less certain than in the past. And with the loss of certainty has come grief.
For those supporting me, the grief around changing plans and changing long-term possibilities is doubly felt. In addition to coming to terms with their own new realities, they grieve the future they envisioned for me. We have all felt a sense of loss around the security we previously felt. While the real truth is that life is uncertain for everyone, this truth has become so front and center in our lives. It is a big adjustment.
Oftentimes illness can create tunnel vision. In some ways this is adaptive. In the short term, it may make sense to try and hone in, focus on treating the illness, figure out how to “fix” the problem. In the long-term, however, this approach runs the risk of making life feel small. When all of our plans are canceled and our calendars are cleared because we “aren’t sure” if we will be able to make it, what are we left with? How do we continue to live a big life even with so much unknown? How do we live in the full uncertainty?
For me and the caregivers in my life, we are still learning how to do this. We started by acknowledging the grief we’ve felt around the many changes in plans. We’ve shared this grief with each other when appropriate or have sought support from others when needed. Acknowledgment and expression of our grief has helped loosen its grip. We’ve also started to give ourselves permission to look toward the future even though we know it is uncertain. Doing this gives us hope and there is true power in being hopeful. Hope opens possibilities to the future and softens the sting of grief.